Tim Blair


New Criterion



Saturday, February 08, 2003
ON A MORE CONSTRUCTIVE NOTE ABCwatch has been invited, in complete confidence of course, to advise Simon Crean on what occupation might be found for an incognito Saddam Hussein after the axis of morality throws him out of Baghdad. The Labor Party is keen to show that it's prepared to make a conscientious objector's contribution to the war.

Once again, Uncle is calling on his readers to join in a deliberative poll to help Simon choose from some carefully-constructed, pre-validated options.

Here they are:

1. Night-shift slaughterman at the Cooma abbatoir.

This facility is located in a marginal seat Simon is keen to win, and hasn't seen a drop of rain in five years, so our Iraqi refugee will feel right at home.The smell of blood, and the rhythmic, relaxing thud of the killing bolt as it smashes the brains of his victims will help him sleep soundly during the day.

OK, I know productivity will suffer, as Saddam carefully twists off the testIcles and udders of the doomed beasts, but Simon has promised to make sure the abbatoir gets a subsidy.

2. Replacement presenter of Australia Talks Back

Who wouldn't welcome the vast improvement in the intellectual standard of this sad program? And Saddam has already shown his skill at consensus building exceeds Max-weird McCutcheon's. But only slightly.

If, at the end of six months, there were any calls to ATB supporting any policies of the Howard Government or the Bush administration, Saddam would, naturally, be sacked.

3. Lead Anti-Yank scripter at Radio National

This could save millions! By centralising the production of the anti-American sentiments now produced in such a disorganised way, we could not only save dozens of communard salaries but also improve consistency and intensify the rhetorical highlighting.

The whole operation could be out-sourced to the Lakemba Mosque.

4. Adviser to Peter Costello on leadership strategies.

Costello's going to have to do something drastic. His use-by date approaches. Who remembers who preceded Saddam in Iraq?

And, just so you heartless, vicious, right-wing wretches don't feel left out:

5. Shoot the bastard.

This would be very very cheap.

Over to you.