Tim Blair


New Criterion



Sunday, January 05, 2003

For gawd's sake don't tell her, but I've just found Auntie's new year resolutions.

They were written on sections of toilet paper and hidden under her pillow.

Don't laugh! Uncle used to use the same economical writing surface until I discovered Blogger, which is free and you don't have to walk the streets at night putting your work into other people's letter-boxes.

Here's a selection. I may give you the rest later on. When I've stopped laughing.

1. I must cut down on advertising. Even the Friends are starting to notice. I must say I find this constant self-promotion vulgar, but the dears just love pretending they're smarter than John Singleton. Can't understand most of it.

2. Why does any doco worth watching end up on SBS? The wogs are getting too much credit. Fact is they just can't afford the popular stuff.

3. Must find out what a presenter really is.

4. Perhaps we could save a few salaries if Phil had to prepare his own programmes. But he did say I'm looking more beautiful than ever!

5. Too much TV sport is never enough! That Thorpe is such a spunk. I mean "gentleman".

6. Find out why that little shit Howard is managing to look good even on the 7.30 report.

7. Tell government they must give us more money.

8. Tell John Anderson to tell government they must give us more money.

9. Make a take-over bid for Telstra. Offer 8 cents a day.

Uncle looked in vain for signs of tear-stains on the absorbent paper. Then put it to its intended use.